How many times have you bribed your kids in a moment of desperation? "If you will just be quiet so I can finish this phone call, I'll let you have some ice cream." Harmless, right? A foolproof way to get your kids to behave when everything else has failed and you just need them to be quiet or finish their homework? Not so fast.
Why Bribes Don't Work
Bribes teach children that misbehavior leads to rewards
Bribes are a short-term solution that create long-term problems. According to parent educator Hiam Ginott, "bribes seldom, if ever, inspire continued efforts." Bribing a child might get them to behave now, but what about tomorrow? Next week? When they're grown and off at college? When you offer "rewards" for stopping bad behavior, what you're actually doing is training your child to misbehave in order to get rewards. They'll learn that if they want something, all they have to do is misbehave, and then they'll get it.
Bribes cheat children out of natural rewards
By offering artificial rewards for expected behavior, we draw our child's focus away from the natural rewards. For example, if your teenage son only gets straight A's because you said you'd buy him a car if he gets good grades, he misses out on the satisfaction of hard work and perseverance at school. The natural satisfaction and pride is eclipsed by the artificial reward of a car, which is much more appealing.
Another example: You promise your daughter that she can have ice cream after dinner if she eats 5 bites of broccoli. She eats the broccoli, but only to get the ice cream. She misses out on the potential experience of actually enjoying the broccoli, because ice cream is much more exciting than green vegetables.
What To Do Instead
But are all rewards considered bribes? Not exactly. Rewards are most effective when they are logical and authentic. A few things make a big difference in how effective a reward can be. Consider these tips:
1. Redirect to the authentic
When you child wins a trophy for his soccer tournament or a ribbon for her science project, ask them questions to prompt conversation and help them reflect on their accomplishment. Even better, ask questions that probe beyond the award. Here's some examples:
- Why do you like playing soccer?
- What was the hardest part of your project? How did you feel when you completed it?
- How does playing the piano make you feel?
- What's you favorite part about running track?
- What did you learn from being in the school musical?
Asking questions like these will help you child reflect on the process, not just the shiny reward. As they begin to value the work, the practice, and the learning itself, they will begin to take pride in their accomplishments, and that alone will feel like a reward.
2. Timing is everything
Bribes almost always happen in the midst of the bad behavior. When offering rewards, either plan ahead and tell your child what they can expect if they do xyz, or offer them as a spontaneous reward after the fact.
When you determine rewards ahead of time, your child can know exactly what to expect. This is similar to how jobs work for adults; we know how much we'll be paid, and we work to earn that money. The paycheck that come at the end of the week is a direct consequence of the work we've done.
The other option is offering spontaneous rewards after a child does something good. This are best used sparingly, so that they don't become predictable and expected. In this case, the child's behavior is not driven by her desire for the reward, so it comes as an appreciative "bonus." These types of rewards are often fun and even more appreciated than ones that are promised beforehand.
3. Consider your child's age
Different rewards will be appropriate at different ages. Toddlers can't grasp promises of "later." For 1-2 year olds, rewards are most effective when given in the moment. And they don't need much, either; a fun song, happy dance, or a sticker are plenty to entertain children at this age.
Preschool aged children (ages 3-5 years) have developed the ability to wait for rewards. You can reason and make deals with them. To avoid bribes, set clear expectations and a clear reward. For example, "we're about to go to the grocery store. I expect you to behave well and not fight. If you do, I'll let each of you pick out a snack for our movie night."
School aged children are much more mature. They can sense when they're being bribed and may shrug it off or try to negotiate a better deal. Instead, include them in the process. Create a plan of action together, identifying goals and appropriate rewards. Make them concrete and clear, so that there is not arguing over whether or not the requirements have been met. For example, instead of "if you keep your room clean, I'll put some money towards a new bike," create specific parameters such as "if you clean your room every week for a month, I'll put $35 towards a new bike."
As you children age and mature, use rewards that encourage them in their creativity and passions. Remember that the best rewards aren't physical. Consider offering them your time, activities, or opportunities.
As you avoid bribes and help your children learn to enjoy the natural rewards in life, they will respect you and their behavior will improve. Who knows, maybe they'll even start doing chores on their own!
Resources:
Markham, L. (2017, July 19). What's so bad about bribing your child? Retrieved February 13, 2021, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parents-happy-kids/201707/whats-so-bad-about-bribing-your-child
The right way to bribe your child. (n.d.). Retrieved February 13, 2021, from https://www.parenting.com/child/the-right-way-to-bribe-your-child/
Dennis, S. (2021). What's the Problem with Bribes? [PDF]. Rexburg: BYU-Idaho.
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